“Our squad for 2010-11 will also feature Ross Turnbull, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, John Terry as part of our contingent of home-grown players. However, as Arrigo Sacchi once famously said, four pizzas are four pizzas short of eight pizzas and four pizzas more than none. So, after a rigorous round of trials, we have supplemented our squad with four more members; the finest products of …. my very own garden, this cabbage, this mango, this jackfruit and this eggplant.
“Not exactly players in the strictest sense of the word, but most definitely home-grown,” announced Ancelotti today whilst nibbling on a carrot that had apparently failed to make the cut.
“While the cabbage and the mango are undoubtedly healthy additions to the club, we have pulled off something of a coup with the jackfruit. As you can see, this solidly built jackfruit is clearly well equipped to deal with the rigors of the English game. Like all other members of the artocarpus family, and like most English defenders, he is hard on the outside and soft on the inside. Not only will he break many young legs, but will also appear deeply apologetic and guilt-ridden in the aftermath.
“At just 23 years old, this jackfruit shows all the signs of maturing into a peach of a player,” opined Ancelotti, beaming, clearly unaware that the peach does not feature in the jackfruit’s life cycle. Carlo however failed to mention that at just 23 years of age, the jackfruit had also started showing all the signs of decomposition. Whether it will live up to the gaffer’s expectations, only time, and temperature, will tell.
“As you are no doubt aware, we missed out on Robinho a couple of years back and we’ve been on the lookout for a similar type of player for some time now. I think the eggplant is a perfect replacement, because it brings a similar skill set, a very similar head structure and a much heightened footballing intelligence. Also, to be brutally honest, the eggplant blows Robinho’s pants off when it comes to work rate.
Ancelotti also took this opportunity to announce the departure of the club mascot and every body’s second favourite bear, Bernard.
“It is with a heavy heart that we are today letting go of our much beloved mascot, Bernard. While we all loved Bernard to bits, his cocaine addiction was frankly getting out of hand. We are however, deeply respectful of his decision to not stop doing crack because here at Chelsea FC, nobody likes a quitter.
- Bernard
On a related note, Yogi bear, every body’s first most favorite bear, having stolen one pick-a-nic basket too many, finally succumbed to morbid obesity. While Boo Boo expressed his grief, Cindy expressed her happiness at “the fat cake-stealing bastard finally getting his just desserts”.
When questioned by the BBC whether the recent departures of Ballack, Belleti, Joe Cole, Carvalho, and Bernard, and now these surprise inclusions, were signs of a financial crisis at the club, Ancelotti went on record saying, “Absolutely not!” and then discreetly suggested that he would be more than willing to talk to the Beeb after United’s games for half of Ferguson’s proposed fines and on second thought, threw in Fulham and Wigan games for good measure.
The Daily Mail’s question about whether the squad was now too fruity to win anything this season clearly vexed the generally affable Ancelotti. “These additions to our squad are a show of intent. We are still hungry,” he sputtered, and then in a somewhat misplaced show of this new-found hunger, bit a sizable chunk out of the eggplant he’d been gripping ferociously in his right hand.
At this juncture, the press conference came to an end, emetics were administered, and a frantic search for super-glue began.