Before I launch into not writing the preview of a game that is barely 8 hours away at the time this is published, I’d like to say What the whaaaaat?
The purple is to make sure the extent of shock is clear. The girl is incidental. Really.
It was ok when Henry lumbered on against Leeds (don’t get all self-righteous-Arsenal fan on me now, you know he looked slower. And ‘chubbier’) and scored from the loveliest ball that Song must have played in his career. It was also ok when Scholes continued the Story of the Comebacks by turning up at the right place at the right time to break the deadlock against Bolton. That’s all awesome, two greats, two crucial goals, Hollywood is going ‘even we couldn’t come up with those’, fine. But… but… Robbie Keane??
This was a news that didn’t quite make as much headlines as the other two, of course, because Keane is no retuning hero. At last count, he had about 14.5 childhood clubs that he had always dreamed of playing for, and more different dresses in his wardrobe than Kim Kardashian (as is evident, we’re desperately trying to make this site more palatable for the fairer sex). So Aston Villa, finding no value in the transfer market, found Robbie Keane instead and convinced him to join his next boyhood club. Which is all fair and unshocking, till afore-mentioned Robbie Keane starts for aforer-mentioned Villa, and scores a brace from two bloody amazing hits. The man was facing away from goal when he started the motion for his first goal, ffs! Meanwhile in Norwich and Bolton, 85Million worth of talent conjured up new methods to toe-poke, glance, mis-pass and mis-control the ball everywhere but into the goal. Up in the pantheon of football gods, no one noticed the dial on the Irony-meter nearly exploding out of the gauge…
But we digress. This is about the match of the moment! Arsenal vs United, carrying on the great legacy of food throws, tunnel fights, screaming at penalty misses and everything else that will make it to Sky’s ‘Super Sunday’ promo reel. Following the promo-reel of the City-Spurs game before it. Someone’s been really quite clever up in Premier league headquarters, whenever they came up with the concept of Manchester vs North London. Play fierce derby rivals against fierce non-derby rivals so that, by some combination, everyone can always take consolation. You know, like the last time this happened. ‘Sure we lost 8-2, but Spurs lost 5-1. Ha ha ha ha’. There’s also the added benefit of cliched headlines that can follow such convenient matches, saving a lot of journalists from trawling Twitter (where you can follow us too!) for clever headlines and ending up getting into heated arguments with players instead. @rioferdy5, I’m not referring to you.
We are continuing to digress here, and should really get back to the match. Will Scholes or Henry play, probably not. Will Robbie Keane play, definitely not, but give him about a year and he’ll find that Arsenal was his childhood club after all. Based on the result of the match kicking off two hours before, both teams will be going into the game in quite different moods, and with different things at stake. In the interest of keeping the league interesting and really tight at the top, Spurs will pull one over the oligarchy, which will also be in their own interest of course. Manchester City will be left fuming at the red card that was not given in spite of all of Etihad waving their hands in unison as if brandishing a card. Because of course, only people closest to the referee can influence him. Poor Mancini, with only 26 or so full internationals left to pick from because of injuries, African Nations Cup and Tevez, will then sign Xavi and Iniesta as midfield cover.
City's panic signings
Inevitably, like every other paragraph opening, I have digressed once again. I’m trying hard to not get excited about the game, and wandering over everything else that’s happening in football. Screw that. It’s Arsenal-United, and I reserve the right to get all jittery about it! It has been the most unfailingly entertaining of fixtures among all of the big rivalries over time. Many a weekend of this match has been spent jumping, screaming, agonizing, cursing, punching (the air, relax) and most recently, shaking my head in disbelief. I’m totally ready for another roller-coaster. Bring it on I say!