The footballing world should take a moment to consider how absolutely mental Claudio Ranieri is, according to reports. The avuncular Italian has guided unheralded Leicester City to a historic Premier League title, but experts say this hides his crazed-up cuckooness and what if he’s an alien from deep space or something.
Professor John Doe from the Federation for Analyzing Footballers and Friends (FAFF) said, “Just look at this. Or this. The man has the outer demeanour of a friendly headmaster but I think ‘dilly ding dilly dong’ is just what he says to open the gates to his pants-down crazy dimension.”
“We believe he’s had extended contact with unicorns from his world and pumps their blood into Leicester players to suddenly make them good. Jamie Vardy couldn’t even finish his dinner last season, how is he such a good finisher now?” Professor Doe said with a knowing scratch of his chin.
“I’ll be honest, I weigh down pretty heavily on the madness scales,” said Louis van Gaal. “But Claudio makes my sex masochism comment sound like measured Socratic exposition.”
“I am pretty mental, yeah?” Ranieri said when quizzed for his opinion. “Sometimes I just look in the mirror and go ‘what the fuck?’.”
“Want some unicorn blood?”