Truth to be said, we’ve been wanting this to go up for a long time, because it had been so long since we had put up one of our, cough, clever Fact Files. However, contrary to expectations, Arsenal had a good start to the season and we wondered whether we had missed the bus. Thankfully Darren Bent happened, then West Brom, and now Chelsea…
I wish Arsenal well because their name makes me laugh. That’s why I support Scunthorpe as well
– Carlton Palmer, Articulate As Ever
I didn’t see it
– Arsene Wenger, in Arsenal’s trophy room.
CAFFEINE! *dribble dribble* SUGAR!
– Theo Walcott.
Sir Pat Ricelot knew that the day was going to be out of the ordinary. The storm clouds gathering on a hot July night brought along with them a sense of eerie foreboding and giddy excitement at the same time. Yes, Sir Pat knew this day was going to be the start of something special. As if on cue, Arsene the Frugal entered, his Walmart cut-price cloak billowing.
“Sir Pat.” He said. “I have just been to the greatest sale in my life. Defenders for fifty pence. Forwards for thirty. And someone even gave me a Polish keeper for free. This team will be different, Sir Pat. This team will make a difference.”
This is the story Fact File of that team.
|Name||Arsenal F.C (Arsene’s Plaything F.C unofficial)|
|Average Age of Squad (physical)||Twenty Three|
|Average Age of Squad (mental)||Eight|
|Fans||Eternal Optimists, Eternal Masochists and Osama Bin Laden|
|Manager Qualification||Degree in Electrical Engineering and Economics. Also, an OBE given for selling Pascal Cygan without making a loss|
|Highest Paid Staff||Chief Medical Officer, Emmanuel Eboue|
|Recent Trophies||‘Pretty Triangles’ Cup.Seven time winners of the ‘We have Cesc Fabregas’ Shield.Only participants and undisputed holders of the ‘We Finished Above Tottenham’ Golden Cockerel.|
|Club Mascots||Gunnersaurus Rex, Emmanuel Eboue|
|Chief Entertainers||Emmanuel Eboue, Lukasz Fabianski|
|Major Shareholders||Cowboy Stan, Jabba the Hutt, possibly Emmanuel Eboue ‘cos he seems to be present everywhere else anyway.|
|How many Arsene Wengers does it take to change a light bulb?||Answer not defined. Wenger will keep the light bulb and develop it into a world class light bulb.|
|Greatest Price Paid For||Andrei Arshavin|
|Greatest Price Paid Because Of||Mikhael Silvestre|
|Word on the Street||“What Arsene knows, down the toilet goes.”|
And now for some enduring images from their history – both footballing and medical.
What Almunia should have done long ago:
Off to the international break and a fortnight of agonizing then! (Except for the Chelsea fans of course)