In anticipation of the FA Cup final clash between Arsenal and Aston Villa, we at BigFourZa have introduced a special batch of merchandise for our readers; lucky totems and leafy tutus, drink mixers and memory fixers, you name it and we probably have it somewhere at the back of the store next to the talking Mertesacker skull and spare Diaby cartilage. Feast your eyes on these beauties:
Consistently Consistent Beer: Have you finished in the Champions League for 19 years straight and want to celebrate in moderation? Do you want to display superiority over the other 16 clubs in the league but are saving that special champagne for some actual silver? Worry not! You can now find that sweet spot between despair and delight with our Consistently Consistent Beer™. With just the right amount of alcohol to get you tipsy but not go overboard, nothing screams ‘MINIMAL EXPECTATIONS MET’ like this beer does. And with our special bottomless edition, you can enjoy this feeling of practiced parsimony for years and years and years. And years.
If you add an extra pound to the price, we will give you a complementary set of SuarezTeeth™ to use on any annoying seat neighbours at the stadium.
Sanchez Sweat Beads: Are you watching the match with helpless head in helpless hands, teeth chattering as the game goes tumbling by and there’s not a thing you can do to change its outcome? Of course you are! One of football fans’ biggest gripes is how they live the entire match vicariously, clutching only to facile superstitions and rituals in order to feel like they’re relevant to the result. Well, those times are past! With our new and improved Sanchez Sweat Beads™ – a beaded necklace of crystalized Alexis Sanchez sweat – you will feel more immersed in the action than ever before.
The necklace’s special piezoelectric-nanotube-quark-quasar-goat-cheese technology channels all of Sanchez’s bodily reactions to you: the sweat, the pumping blood, the tired limbs, the cuts and bruises, everything. You can finally donate other bodily fluids than post-beer piss to the cause!
Jose Anti-Perspective Goggles: There are few feelings worse than the tummy-wrenching agony of a cup final defeat. What better way to fix it than with a nice dose of blinkered conspiracy! With our special Jose Anti-Perspective Goggles™, you will begin to find fault with everything from referees and grass height to ball curvature and kit colour, from fixture schedules and match timings to CIA recruitments and the moon landings. These goggles will convince you that it is not your team, but the world that is at fault. Oh this hateful world.
Five lucky readers will get our limited Liverpool Uber-Blinkers™ Edition, but we feel the need to warn you that there might be no coming back from that.
Umbrella Hats: These are just normal umbrella hats. You know, to protect yourselves from the Consistently Consistent Beer™ and Sanchez sweat that will undoubtedly flood the aisles.
If you are interested in any of the aforementioned goodies, then send a quick mail to your nearest Nigerian Prince and await our reply!