Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is all set to replace Theo Walcott with Loretta Laguerta, a sprightly octogenarian who manages the London Colney cafeteria, it has emerged. This decision was taken after coming to the realization that Walcott is shit, Wenger said.
“Other than growing a ratty boy-beard and writing those annoying TJ kid books, Theo has been a bit poo for ten years,” the Frenchman opined, thoughtfully nibbling on a crepe. “Loretta can dribble into traffic, make three passes in ninety minutes, smile genially, and give nauseatingly PC interviews like the best of them. Footballistically, the decision makes footballing sense.”
“Theo can man the kitchens during the Swansea game, the overgrown house elf.”
Wenger has masterminded over positional switches for players in the past. “Henry was basically a ballerina with half a dribble before I shifted him to the middle. Don’t forget Ljungberg, who turned into a fantastic red-haired goal-scoring bastard after moving to the wings. And Eboue as playmaker I did purely for the lulz.”
“Wilshere doubles up as a coat-hanger for me now, and Santi is a house stool till he gets fit again.”
Concerns that Loretta lacked Walcott’s quickness were emphatically pooh-poohed by the Gunners boss. “I dare you to find someone else who can make a crepe in two minutes. Tastes like expired oil and fingernails, but at least she’s not on 140k a week.”